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By Marion Erskine
Artwork by Jasyn Chen
This article is an excerpt from an untitled book about life in Taiwan from the perspective of a foreigner to be published this winter by Banner Publishing.
It was another unexciting day in Taiwan when I first encountered a squat toilet. I'd heard of these notorious toilets in the East, but I prayed that I would never have to use one. In South Africa we don't have squat toilets and we're much happier to sit during the performance.
This day, Mother Nature called in the wrong place at the wrong time, and there was no way out of this situation. I opened the bathroom door and there it was--a porcelain hole waving at me from the ground. Today was the day that I would have to figure out how these things work. But how? We all have our pride, and I wasn't bold enough to just walk up to a Taiwanese friend and say: "Hey mate, how do your toilets work over here?"
I walked in slowly, took a deep breath and closed the door behind me. I stared at it for a while. How do you mount this thing? How do you stand? How far do your pants have to go down? I don't know! What if I make a mess? Does the arch face me or my back? What do I hold on to? I realized that I hated squats in physical education class too, and now I was forced to do this.
I still don't know how I achieved this, but I lowered my pants to my knees and stood over the hole facing the door. The arch was behind me. Let's hope for the best. I reached back and placed my right hand on the porcelain arch, then the left. I spread my legs far and wide, and here was the "stupid foreigner" resembling a human table for his first squatting experience. The pain in my upper arms was extreme and I thought to myself: "Goodness, these people must have amazing arms to do this!" I got out of there safely without making any mess. I successfully completed the dreadful task.
It was weeks later, when I was finally bold enough to ask a friend how to use a squatter properly. I couldn't stop laughing when I heard his version of the instruction manual to Taiwanese squatters! But I still think my way is a great way for working the triceps. |
